Whether you need the milk in your morning cup to come back from nuts or nips, listed below are some protected assumptions about your previous, current, and character primarily based on this desire.


  • Outcomes of two latest blood exams indicated lactose intolerance, however you are feeling such as you want a 3rd opinion
  • Determine as one-quarter Italian since you studied overseas in Florence your junior 12 months of faculty (completely satisfied belated thirty first birthday, by the best way)
  • Count on your life to be Emily in Paris however actually it’s extra like Frances Ha
  • Fingers-down finest marriage ceremony date. Like, you’re dancing with individuals’s dads, you’re doing Wild Turkey photographs with Aunt Beth, you’re providing the flower lady her first Newport cigarette. Everybody loves you!
  • Obtained again together with your ex final night time however ready to inform your mates till you already know it’s “for realsies” (OK, that wasn’t truthful. Sorry. It’s equally doable that you just broke up together with your ex final night time however are ready to inform your mates in case you get again collectively once more)


  • Nice relationship together with your mother, i.e. common cellphone calls, settle for her as a deeply flawed human, flowers on Mom’s Day, and so on.
  • Will win massive at a craps desk in Vegas your first time enjoying after which make investments the winnings in a various portfolio that yields regular returns 12 months over 12 months. Your pals secretly want to your downfall.
  • Didn’t vote within the primaries final 12 months however lie and say you probably did every time it comes up
  • Spotify Wrapped is generally vapid pop hits
  • This espresso will make you extraordinarily jittery however you panicked and needed to order one thing so this Hinge date you’re right here with doesn’t suppose you’re lame


  • Profession over relationships (however have already got your engagement ring picked out)
  • Punched somebody at a bar in Philly as soon as however had your file expunged, clearly
  • As soon as faked a limp to board an airplane within the first group to make sure that Delta wouldn’t gate-check your baggage as soon as the overhead bins stuffed up (your Athletic Greens equipment was in there!)
  • Not a smoker however ask to bum a cigarette at each social outing
  • It’s 7:47 AM and this isn’t your first espresso at present, not even shut

Almond (+$1.50)

  • Newest weblog submit title was one thing like “6 Straightforward Methods to Curate a Distinctive Instagram Aesthetic for Your Canine Amidst the Recession”
  • Began doing yoga earlier than it was cool. Like, years earlier than your first divorce even.
  • Made a imaginative and prescient board however the colour scheme was off so that you threw it within the dumpsters behind your house constructing and began making use of to gross sales jobs on Certainly
  • Vegan however eat a chili canine from the cart in your avenue nook each time you’ve got greater than three drinks (two if we’re being trustworthy)
  • Don’t learn about oat milk but

Oat (+$2)

  • Switched therapists 3 times (this 12 months)
  • Do a ten-minute “abundance meditation” each morning however used to steal from Goal in faculty
  • Forgot a sibling’s birthday this 12 months however creatively performed it off by DoorDashing them a king-sized KitKat at 11:58 PM that night time
  • An embarrassing occasion from center faculty nonetheless unreasonably haunts you, leading to sporadic bouts of sleep-walking by which you absolutely costume your self at 3 AM
  • Will throw away this iced latte midway by means of as a result of it tastes off

Home-made Pistachio (+$4)

  • Lease a Tesla however final two hire funds have been late
  • Writing a cookbook slash memoir slash crossword puzzle e book, with unique water-color illustrations (on this espresso store proper now)
  • Wish to begin volunteering however can’t discover a trigger that fully aligns together with your private model
  • Refuse to put on sunscreen first day of trip so as to kickstart a “base tan” however find yourself getting lobster-burnt and holing up within the lodge room binging Promoting Sundown for the remaining 4 days in Tulum
  • Forgot to convey a jacket to the espresso store the place there’s solely out of doors seating out there so it’s important to purchase a $60 sweatshirt together with your latte

Goat (minimal $25 donation to native dairy farm with buy)

  • Have already got express, detailed directions written on the way you need your family members to distribute your ashes if you die (the Niagara Falls bit is a tad bold, however hey, they’ll make a mini-vacay out of it!)
  • Left a ten-day silent meditation retreat on day three since you stored going too deep into trance and speaking with too many spirits, which you felt like was form of dishonest
  • You like one in all your children greater than the others however would by no means admit it (and no, it’s not simply because they give the impression of being essentially the most such as you!)
  • All the time return buying cart to designated space. Besides that one time…
  • As soon as took a lifeless owl you discovered in your nature stroll so as to repurpose its feathers for sage burning ceremonies, which is technically, yep, a full violation of federal legislation