The Golden Ticket Survivors Help Group

So I am going to my traditional espresso place and the lady behind the counter recommends their cold-pressed juice. And this month’s particular? Blueberry. I may see in her eyes that she acknowledged me. Mercifully I walked out earlier than making an excessive amount of of a scene.

For everybody telling me to recover from it? Keep in mind that I used to be juiced! As a baby! That could be a sentence that nobody ought to ever must say. Think about what that does to somebody. And the truth that Wonka even had a human juicing equipment available is an indication of sociopathy.

It’s been twenty years. And with all your help, I’ve managed to simply accept the issues I can’t change. However that man did a critical quantity on us. Shocker that the “four-course meal in a stick of gum” by no means hit the cabinets. Perhaps check it earlier than taunting an harmless little one with it?

AND THEY SANG! How the hell did these creatures have time to compose a track about me? It both implies sickening premeditation or wonderful improvisational expertise. Monsters it doesn’t matter what.

Have you ever heard the brand new Reddit principle about Slugworth? He by no means existed. Wonka invented his personal nemesis and used him to entrap us! And there’s one other rumor that Willy constructed an awesome glass elevator escape hatch to outer house. It simply will get crazier. Our story would make one hell of a Netflix docuseries.

I’ve been pitching the doc round city. Talked to Michael Moore and the folks behind The Jinx. However nobody will contact it. I assume Wonka has the identical attorneys and PR crew because the Catholic Church.

I do know what you are going to say. I must cease projecting. Effectively, I’ve labored on myself. My therapist has helped me understand that I had a Napoleon advanced lengthy earlier than I used to be shrunk down and that entire debacle compelled me to confront my debilitating TV habit. And this isn’t about Wonka! It’s about us.

What if we went in collectively as government producers on this docuseries? No manner they flip down that pitch! It’ll be just like the NXIVM cult doc. If the world knew what we went by means of, then they’d have sympathy for us.

I simply need to be in TV once more. Sorry. I meant, on TV.

Apologies for my low power. I’m within the midst of my intermittent fasting window and final consumed a Quest Bar seven hours in the past.

Nobody on the gymnasium acknowledges me, allowing me some semblance of anonymity. Nevertheless each time I stare into the mirrors, I nonetheless see that little one. A part of me will at all times be drowning in that chocolate river. Being compelled by means of the pipes. All as a result of I gazed into that lake like a confectionary Narcissus.

Wonka was clearly a sick man who tortured youngsters like a reclusive Outdated Testomony God earlier than selecting his favourite, however he additionally opened my eyes to my horrible impulse management and overindulgent mother and father. I’ve continued to atone for my mortal and gastronomic sins by religiously following David Goggins’ exercise plan as I practice for an ultramarathon in Patagonia.

There are particular days when I’m tempted to backslide. Traversing the sweets aisle at Complete Meals is at all times a wrestle. However there are not any cheat days on my calendar, for I can’t have the identify “Gloop” be endlessly related to callous gluttony.

Sufficient of this shit! Each week we come right here and we complain and gripe and declare to have moved on. And the place has that left us? With no hope of redemption. We’ve been compelled to dwell our lives as these unworthy Golden Ticket rejects. Was I grasping? Impatient? Sure. As a result of all youngsters are grasping and impatient. And but Charlie received wealthy! That whiny child with the asshole grandpa who stole the Fizzy Lifting Drinks! All of us noticed them! There are guidelines. We dwell in a society.

My daddy’s attorneys have had zero success of their authorized battle towards Wonka. Apparently the Golden Ticket constituted an implicit contract, limiting his legal responsibility. So I say we storm the chocolate manufacturing unit and take what’s ours. We will get again inside and sabotage the product. Augustus can swim a triathlon lap within the chocolate river. It’s not like they’ll have the ability to use that chocolate… Proper?

That is our golden ticket! We don’t one other twenty years. Not one other day. I need to do that now.

Sorry to chop you off, Veruca, however that’s our time. I’d wish to remind the group that our objective is to maneuver previous the Wonka incident. To not dwell. Or to suggest revolt. Let’s now shut with our weekly affirmation:

“Despite the fact that there’s no earthly manner of understanding
Which route we’re going
I’m able to change.

“Sure the hazard have to be rising
For the rowers carry on rowing
However I can accomplish nice issues.

“And so they’re definitely not exhibiting
Any indicators that they’re slowing
However I’m sufficient.”



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