31 of the funniest jokes and greatest one-liners from comedians

Tim Vine Jokes and Oneliners:

1. “I’d like to start out with the chimney jokes – I’ve bought a stack of them. The primary one is on the home.”
2. “I had a dream final night time that I used to be reducing carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with demise.”
3. “I noticed this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. I believed: ‘He’s attempting to drag a quick one.’”
4. “This bloke mentioned to me: ‘I’m going to assault you with the neck of a guitar.’ I mentioned: ‘Is {that a} fret?’”
5. “This policeman got here as much as me with a pencil and a chunk of very skinny paper. He mentioned, ‘I would like you to hint somebody for me.’”
6. “Any individual really complimented me on my driving right this moment. They left a bit observe, it mentioned ‘Parking Advantageous.’”
7. “Crime in multi-storey automobile parks. That’s improper on so many various ranges.”
8. “I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was taking part in Dancing Queen on it. I believed, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.’”
9. “Uncle Ben has died. No extra Mr Rice Man.”
10. “I went to purchase a watch, and the person within the store mentioned ‘Analogue?’ I mentioned ‘No, only a watch.’”
11. “Exit indicators? They’re on the way in which out!”
12. “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a web site for sore eyes.”
13. “My subsequent door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.”

Milton Jones Jokes and Oneliners:

1. “Years in the past I used to provide Filofaxes for the mafia. I used to be concerned in very organised crime.”
2. “My spouse – it’s troublesome to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.”
3. “Exhausting to inform if individuals are all in favour of becoming a member of my Sarcastic Membership or not…”
4. “Lately I went on a ballooning vacation – I placed on 4 stone!”
5. “You recognize the animal that kills the most individuals on the earth? The Hepatitis Bee.”
6. “The pollen rely, now that’s a troublesome job. Particularly in case you’ve bought hay fever.”
7. “I hate sitting in site visitors, as a result of I at all times get run over.”

Ken Dodd Jokes and Oneliners:

1. “I’ve kleptomania. However when it will get unhealthy, I take one thing for it.”
2. “I informed the Inland Income I don’t owe them a penny. I reside by the seashore.”

Miscellaneous Authors:

1. “The most effective time so as to add insult to damage is whenever you’re signing anyone’s solid.” – Demetri Martin
2. “I often meet my girlfriend at 12:59 as a result of I like that one-to-one time.” – Tom Ward
3. “My New 12 months’s decision is to get in form. I select spherical.” – Sarah Millican
4. “Hedgehogs – why can’t they simply share the hedge?” – Dan Antolpolski
5. “Hardest job I ever had? Promoting doorways, door-to-door.” – Invoice Bailey
6. “I went to purchase some camouflage trousers the opposite day, however I couldn’t discover any.” – Tommy Cooper
7. “I used to be taking part in chess with my good friend and he mentioned, ‘Let’s make this fascinating’. So we stopped taking part in chess.” – Matt Kirshen
8. “A cement mixer collided with a jail van. Motorists are requested to be looking out for 16 hardened criminals.” – Peter Kay
9. “Two monkeys have been stepping into the bathtub. One mentioned: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The opposite replied:‘Put some chilly in then.’” – Harry Hill

Why makes this Joke humorous?

Joke: “I’d like to start out with the chimney Jokes – I’ve bought…”

Clarification: This Joke makes use of the phrase “stack,” which refers to a chimney, and “the primary one is on the home” as a pun. “On the home” can imply “freed from cost” however right here it`s used actually – the chimney (stack) is bodily on the home.

Joke: “I noticed this bloke chatting-up a cheetah…”

Clarification: “Pull a quick one” is an idiom which means to deceive somebody. It’s a pun since cheetahs are quick animals, implying the person is attempting to attraction or “pull” the cheetah – the “quick one.”

Joke: “Years in the past I used to provide Filofaxes …”

Clarification: It performs with the time period “organised crime” referring to felony organizations and mafia-like actions whereas humorously utilizing “organised” to check with retaining issues orderly with a Filofax (a sort of non-public organizer).

Joke: “This bloke mentioned to me: ‘I’m going to assault …”

Clarification: This Joke entails a play on phrases with “fret,” which could be a fear or part of a guitar. It creates a double that means: “Is that one thing to fret about?” and “Is that a part of the guitar you`re referring to?”

Joke: “This policeman got here as much as …”

Clarification: The pun is on “hint.” In a police context, it’d imply finding somebody, however the Joke turns it right into a literal tracing with pencil and paper, surprising and absurd.

Joke: “You recognize the animal that …”

Clarification: It is a pun on “Hepatitis B” (a virus) and “bee.” The Joke is that as an alternative of an precise animal, it’s a illness that’s being labeled because the deadliest.

Joke: “The pollen rely …”

Clarification: “Pollen rely” refers back to the measurement of pollen ranges within the air, nevertheless it`s punned as if it`s a job title (like a noble Depend), making it “troublesome” on account of hay fever.

Joke: “I met this bloke with a didgeridoo …”

Clarification: “Abba-riginal” is a portmanteau of “Abba” (the band that sings “Dancing Queen”) and “Aboriginal” (indigenous Australians, usually related to taking part in the didgeridoo).

Joke: “I’ve kleptomania…”

Clarification: It’s a pun the place “take one thing for it” often means taking medicine for a situation, however “take” humorously refers to stealing, taking part in on the time period “kleptomania” (a compulsion to steal).

Joke: “As a scarecrow, individuals say …”

Clarification: This Joke has two puns. “Excellent in my discipline” might imply being distinctive in a single`s career, nevertheless it`s used actually right here. The second pun is on “hay” – taking part in on “hey” and referring to precise hay and “it`s in my denims” (genes) indicating a pure inclination but additionally punning on hay being caught within the scarecrow`s pants.

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