Hello Landlord! Humble tenant right here. I do know you favor non-written communication (no paper path) so you may change guidelines on a whim (limiting yard entry, banning home crops more healthy than yours, and many others.) however I sat down at my kitchen/work/leisure/rest room desk and form of bought on a roll. I’m nothing if not cheap, so I jotted down some eventualities by which I’d conform to a lease hike with 100% of my coronary heart and fifty p.c of my paycheck:

  • You elevated lease however you’re additionally growing the sq. footage of my condo on the similar charge. I’m excited for the 9% extra space which I imagine you bought by drilling into the neighbor’s kitchen—it’s cool to have a second fridge.
  • You appeared by means of my mail and noticed my meager wages. Appalled, you negotiated on my behalf, elevating my wage commensurate with the lease elevate. You additionally managed to safe some healthcare advantages because you gained’t get round to taking good care of that black mould.
  • You continue to come into my condo after I’m out of city, however you do an extremely deep clear. Folding, ironing, and donating my previous clothes; you took care of my stuff such as you suppose it’s your individual! I did want these sweaters for while you set the thermostat in winter.
  • You reside a lifetime of leisure enjoying a lot golf that you simply genuinely bought confused and thought that the decrease my checking account steadiness, the higher, like a golf rating. You hope to get my checking account underneath par.
  • You must depreciate the prices you sunk into your reimagining of the musical Lease from the attitude of landlords, who’re the actual artists if you concentrate on it. I get to make a copy of the script together with some other dramatic works you have written, to learn with buddies Thriller Science Theater 3K-style.
  • You raised my lease however lowered one other of your tenants’ lease, and they’ll purchase my groceries in some weird pay-it-forward scheme you hatched to point out us how we’re all interconnected. You aren’t merely our landlord, but additionally our spirit-lord! We’ll discuss month-to-month charges for that too.
  • You simply bought again from The Cloisters and felt impressed by all of the medieval artwork: you’ve determined to institute Feudalism. All of my earnings goes on to you together with all my barley. I await your name to stand up in arms towards the brownstone throughout the road.
  • You’re taking each cent I pay in lease and use it to fund housing reform lobbyists, in the end to wreck your online business mannequin. You’re tortured by your self-defeating psychological points. We’re not so totally different, I suppose.
  • You fastened the lavatory, however not only a new sink–you made a kind of Rube Goldberg machines the place I drop down into the bathe from my mattress. You’ve labored out the kinks so it doesn’t by chance use my toothbrush up my butt (more often than not).
  • You misplaced a lot of cash creating NFTs of the condo, attempting to persuade me that it’s extra vital to personal that then bodily property. The lease goes up for now however quickly you’ll vacate the home and the nation to keep away from prosecution.
  • You elevated the lease since you simply plumb need extra money.

Thanks a lot! Impressed by you, I’ve struck out as a landlord myself (an much more subdivided area for the subsequent exploitable technology). I utilized a whole lot of your techniques: the itemizing says “pre-war” as a result of I assume a brand new civil warfare is coming, I began incorporating different surcharges into utilities (oxygen, gravity, actuality), and I put in these spikes they placed on public benches so my tenant will likely be extra inclined to work than sleep.

My therapist informed me “Damage folks harm folks” however I don’t need to take heed to her anymore, she’s not my landlord. See you out on the earth, unburdened by work or ambition!

Reward the (Land) Lord!