ITHACA, NY—In an effort to enhance scholar security on campus, Cornell College reportedly accomplished the set up of 36 red-light emergency telephones Thursday for conservative college students to make use of in the event that they really feel they’ve been assaulted by progressive beliefs. “We’re dedicated to defending any right-leaning scholar who merely desires to get to their dorm or class with out being threatened by trans rights or radical feminists,” Cornell president Martha E. Pollack stated at a dedication ceremony, explaining that in order to obtain assist, conservative college students merely must press the button below one of many conveniently situated telephones and clarify that they felt attacked after listening to arguments in help of an expanded welfare state or making abortion simply accessible. “Say you’re at a occasion when instantly you’re cornered and anticipated to render a constructive opinion concerning the current Barbie film. Or possibly it’s late at night time, and also you hear a pack of strangers approaching you from behind whereas discussing Michel Foucault. Maybe you’re simply within the library and understand that Karl Marx himself is in your studying record. Now all it’s important to do is get out of there instantly and retreat to one in all our purple mild telephones. We are able to have a counselor to you in below 5 minutes with a replica of Atlas Shrugged and a telephone preloaded with Matt Walsh podcasts.” At press time, the college had come below fireplace after suggesting right-wing college students may additionally keep away from frightening unsafe conditions by refraining from strolling round late at night time whereas sporting a bow tie.