WASHINGTON—Spreading the phrase forward of time in order that People wouldn’t be caught off guard, President Joe Biden introduced that the entire nation’s vibrators would buzz at 2 p.m. immediately in a check of the Emergency Stimulation Program. “This routine check of the ESP can be mechanically directed to each shopper vibrator within the nation, which can concurrently start to emit quivering pulses till the stimulation drill is over,” mentioned the commander in chief, noting that residents ought to flip off any wands, plugs, bullets, or different electrical dildos forward of the check in the event that they didn’t plan on changing into aroused at the moment. “Bear in mind, it’s solely a check, so you’ll not be required to climax presently. That is merely a safeguard to make sure the federal authorities can attain your erogenous zones if we ever have to rapidly and successfully get you all off. We simply wish to be ready in case, God forbid, certainly one of our international adversaries ever threatens to make you come tougher than we do.” The White Home later launched an Emergency Stimulation Program truth sheet detailing the creation of the nationwide community of sexual pleasure gadgets through the Chilly Warfare, when the nation was in a heated race with the Soviet Union to develop the world’s first military-grade fuck machine.