‘The Onion’ Stands With Israel As a result of It Appears Like You Get In Much less Hassle For That

The previous week has proven humanity at its worst: A horrific terrorist assault left no less than 1,300 Israelis lifeless, amongst them peace activists and even harmless youngsters. The fates of many extra kidnapped civilians nonetheless lie within the steadiness. In the meantime, statements from Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu recommend retaliation in opposition to Palestinians in Gaza might be swift and cruel. Greater than 1,500 Gazans are already lifeless, and 338,000 others have been displaced. In moments of turmoil corresponding to this, some imagine it’s the duty of a newspaper of file like The Onion to delve absolutely into the nuances of a posh and multifaceted battle that stretches again not simply a long time however centuries. These individuals are improper.

As a substitute, this editorial board needs to take this chance to declare its full and unequivocal assist for Israel as a result of, frankly, it looks like you get in approach much less hassle for that.

Let us be clear: This can be a fraught second, and one which has polarized not solely Individuals however folks everywhere in the world. It calls for unbelievable sensitivity and strict adherence to journalistic requirements of objectivity, and easily put, that’s one thing we aren’t prepared to do. Fairly, we’re simply going to say The Onion expresses its steadfast solidarity with Israel and depart it at that.

Why? First, as a result of this editorial board doesn’t like getting yelled at. Second, there are going to be approach fewer folks with approach much less energy mad at us. We don’t wish to go up in opposition to all the U.S. authorities, which by means of President Biden has expressed its unwavering assist for Israel. Lastly, and extra importantly, it’s as a result of we don’t need to and you’ll’t make us. You possibly can’t. You critically can’t. You can not make us do all of this difficult stuff. Ever. Severely.

Moreover, we must always do not forget that unpacking this battle in an adequately thorough method would require analyzing it by means of a various vary of lenses corresponding to antisemitism, Islamic fundamentalism, the Holocaust, imperialism, contact concept, and lots of extra, all whereas retaining in thoughts legitimate however competing narratives of victimhood that span a whole lot of years. And we positive as hell aren’t going to say apartheid. That appears like an unlimited headache. Even worse, our reward for that will be mobs of folks screaming at us on-line. Why could be do this?

Alternatively, we may merely say, “Israel have to be absolutely supported in its navy marketing campaign to root out evil in all of its hiding locations.” That 19-word sentence would save us the difficulty of participating with this tough scenario. So we’re going to go along with that one.

Does that make sense? We predict it does.

Our stance turns into more and more compelling when one considers some different eventualities. As an example, The Onion may theoretically say that it stands in solidarity with the bombing victims in Gaza. What would occur then? Folks would get mad at us. They may threaten our careers. How about if we mentioned we imagine the lack of harmless life is improper it doesn’t matter what the nationality? That may additionally lead to folks getting mad at us. Typically these could be totally different folks getting mad, however that doesn’t actually change issues on our finish. And most importantly, it may damage our quarterly income, which is the worst tragedy conceivable.

For these causes, and lots of extra, we aren’t going to be endorsing any of these views. As a substitute, the stance of standing unwaveringly with Israel, now and ceaselessly, appears to essentially be the candy spot for these trying to keep away from coping with all of this shit.

“What of the tens of hundreds of Palestinian civilians killed earlier than this assault?” some might ask. Our response is solely that we aren’t going to have interaction with that as a result of it could be too onerous. We additionally received’t be addressing Palestinians dwelling in refugee camps with out entry to scrub water, electrical energy, or housing. Others might ask, “Isn’t it your duty to offer context, significantly on thorny points corresponding to this one?” To that, we merely say: No, shut up. You’re being annoying.

Maybe some would name on us to level out the apparent ethical hypocrisy of these far-left Individuals who bandy about phrases like “warfare felony” whereas turning a blind eye to what quantities to an unconscionable warfare crime on the a part of Hamas. However we’re additionally not going to do this. Why? As a result of folks will get offended with us—extraordinarily irritating folks, to be clear—and we simply don’t wish to take care of it. We’ve sufficient happening with out them getting on our case. The water principal broke in our workplace final Friday and dealing with the tremendous has been a complete factor. He retains avoiding our calls as a result of clearly he’s going to need to eat the price of the sump pump. There’s additionally a bunch of advert gross sales stuff that we’re negotiating with the enterprise aspect. So why would we add defending ourselves in opposition to on-line criticism over one of the crucial incendiary subjects in human historical past to the checklist of complications we’re already coping with? Why?

The reply is that we received’t.

Some might name us cowards for our resolution. To this, we are able to solely say the following: If a coward is an individual who avoids taking a tough stance on subjects for private expediency, then “coward” is a badge this editorial board will gladly put on, many times and once more.

Tu stultus es,
The Onion Editorial Board

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